(Bouzouki, Backing Vocals, Soup Straining)

To understand this, the most complex of queries, we must first ask ourselves a more fundamental question: how does a man live out his life with such a massive facial protuberance? Indeed, what sort of man would choose this lonely, solitary life, to be shunned by women, ignored by mainstream media and spat upon at weddings?

The answer is simple: Beardo. Beardo is just that sort of man. Drawing from such illustrious facial influences as Karl Marx, Friedrich Neitzsche and (most importantly) his world-famous father, Jamieson Hornpinkle-Switters, Beardo has set out to craft a new sort of man for a new millenium. And the man he has crafted is Beardo. Beardo, follical father, musical magician, soup strainer extraordinaire. Indeed, it would be safe to say that Beardo doesn't just strain soup, he puts it in therapy.

Jamieson Hornpinkle-Switters, left, at the 1957 World Beard-A-Thon,
brandishing his "Most Improved" trophy.

"You shall not round the edge of your head, nor shall you destroy the edge of your beard."

      Leviticus, 19:27

Taking inspiration from biblical verse, Beardo has, in the time since his birth, become a phenomenal bouzouki player, an international man of mystery, and a first-class paperweight. When approached by Siobhan to play bouzouki for them, Beardo's words so touched the band that they not only hired him immediately, but they also awarded him an honourary bachelor's degree in Environmental Science:

"Lead me not into the woods, fair maidens. I am goat-spoor, mist on the droppings, holy nibblets of nippty. Drink, drake, partake, pincushion, libbley. Robbit."

Thus spake Beardo.

And the rest is, as they say in Carp, Ontario, the "rest". There will now be a short quiz on everything we have learned today about Beardo. You have fifteen minutes.

1. What was the name of Beardo's Father?